I could rant about how angry I am and confuse all of you. Or I could make something super happy and make it more confusing. I could write a poem, or song lyrics, I could do absolutely anything, and you would all still be confused. 

Well, I'm confused too. I'm asking why all this happened to me a second time, how I could let this happen again, how I could be friends with people who are rude and controlling, how I could be happy one minute, and crying the next. I have never had such a drastic series of mood swings in a long long time. 

I thought I was over all this, and I realize I'm not. I don't have all the answers to life, I don't have all the answers to how I feel or why I write what I do. I also don't have control over the people around me.

I could go on a rant about what scares me. Spiders scare me, heights scare me, rejection scares me, love scares me, being hurt scares me. I'm afraid to fall in love ever again, because I fear being used the way I was. I'm afraid of people caring about me, because they have a twisted sense of what "I care" or "I love" really means. I still ask why, I still cry, I still work through it and I still get up and trudge through life. 

My blog is called "For The Love Of Pain." I must love it because I keep getting hurt and letting people hurt me. I may hurt people, but it's never intentionally. I think it may be a subconcious thing that I wish to get back at them for what they did to me, but I'm not sure.

Years from now, once I'm in college, I may go back to find the people I lost and try again. I keep trying. I keep giving people chances, I keep giving my heart away.

I have no heart right now. It's gone, and been gone for awhile. 

Sorry for the confusion, I guess i'm just a little confused right now.

Sorry for the wait! I've been trying to get through life, which so far is going to hell in a hand basket. However, lets talk of happy things. Puppies, friends, summer, anything. Life is full of happy things. I got a new puppy last year, his name is Barney, and he is a Shih-Tzu. A lot of people don't like these dogs because they think they're yappers or whatever. This is simply not the case with a pure-bred Shih-Tzu. They're very calm, cuddly, and a great family dog. Barney will come up on my lap, roll over and lay in my arms like a baby, and bat at my hand until i rub his belly. He's definitely a momma's boy.
Throughout my lovely falling apart, I have a few true friends that have been there for me. People think I'm all over the place, and truly, I am. I want something one minute, and another thing another minute. I feel love and I feel hate, and I need to let go of the things weighing me down. I'm sorry for confusing everyone, it's never my intention. But I would like to thank all those who have stuck with me and haven't laughed in my face about the pain I've been through, or called me names that honestly aren't true.
Summer is actually a time I'm beginning to dread. I don't want to be stuck in a very small camper with  a stepmother that causes drama, a father who can't handle it, and an over anxious German Shepard. I can't move to anyone's house either, because I don't wish to put anyone to any trouble.

I am very sorry if this is all difficult to follow, again, I don't mean to cause confusion. I'm all a bit confused myself.

You know what's hard? LIFE! You make decisions and people stick their nose in it. Or don't talk to you and pretend you don't exist. As is the case in my home. Where if you don't do what she wants, my step mother will treat you like you are simply an inconvenient body in her home. We've had so many problems and tho she's said she'll change and show me love and she tried, it hasn't been showing. I'm constantly trying to find ways to hide away and/ or be out of the house. For instance for my birthday? I went to my boyfriend's house. No one had said anything and I had planned on this for a long while. I of course assumed that if they hadn't said anything they hadn't planned anything and therefore would not mind if I left. Well lo and behold! My step mother simply ignores me the whole next day until I texted her why she was acting like I didn't even exist. She said I had hurt my dad (which I hadn't cuz he hadn't said anything either) and that my grandmother had openly been upset when she had told my grandmother that Friday we weren doing anything. And that I should have made a better choice (according to her)..
They wanna chose my life for me regardless of how I wanna be, and regardless of what they have said.
Yes she's a nice person, but this really gets to me. I don't know why I keep giving her chances, but I do. Just like everyone else. And that leads to another thing! Just because I want to stay friends with people DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN CHOSE WHO THAT PERSON IS! I know you don't understand, and I don't understand everything but I just feel I should give him another chance. I do that. Whether people deserve it or not.
I live to make people happy. And I can't change. It makes people happy for me to get along and I try. I'm sorry if it's not enough for everyone. Maybe this is why I get driven to depression.

My mother's house. I've meant ironed it before, but let's look deeper into it. The house is a little grey ranch-style deep in the woods, by Damariscotta lake, 5 miles (or a half hour bike ride) outside of town. 19 acres of woods and no neighbors in sight (even though there are neighbors).
    We sap in the spring, so off the the left of the house is our "sugah shack" where we boil. Up on the hill by the gardens is our bee hives. Of which we lost one to the cold winter. The gardens in the summer are beautiful, full of flowers and trees and fruit.
     The lake behind the house is always calm in the morning, so my parents would take their breakfast down there after mom had made it, and had their quiet time. We'd fish from the shore and swing on the monkey swing my little sister and I had begged for when we were younger. It now hangs from the pine tree, covered in pitch and old spider webs.
      The calm at my mother's is so great, that I have been able to eat more than a few chips in a five hour period, and been able to actually sleep. It's clean, there is always home made sweets to eat, and time to sit back and read a book is forever in abundance. At my father's, I never find the time, due to the construction on the house, the running al over the place, the school work, the house work, there is no calm. It's chaos 24/7. When I can finally get out of the house I try and do things to calm me down. The one benefit to a boyfriend. To be able to escape for awhile to gain my senses again. To actually be able to sleep, even if it is just a nap while he was playing video games. I needed that calm but can never really get it.
       What is your calm?

      My second post. All is well, life has gone on, I've moved on and all is right in the world. My parents are happy, my friends are happy, and I am happy.  For the most part. I will miss the good times, the laughter, the play fights, the Nerf gun guerrilla attacks from behind the couch. The video games that I helped start and fell asleep to.
       I am finally able to go to my mother's this weekend. Seeing her makes me relax and feel at ease. Her house is so calm and clean, where my father's house is loud, dirty, hectic and tense. My mother lives out in the woods, with no neighbors except the one lonely house across the lake.  At night you can see the dim porch light, and once in awhile, a fire. I always loved growing up in that house. I still love to visit. I have always dreamed of a future where I had a similar life. That calm, that isolation without being too isolated, that rustic elegance that the woods contain.
       I hadn't been able to go to her house in awhile. With plays and relationships and break-ups, I have been so busy that I have somewhat neglected her. I kick myself everyday for it. I know I should have stood up for myself, but that isn't who I am. I was the one that tried to make people happy when they were sad. Like my mom during her divorce when I was three. I try to make people happy regardless of how it made me. I know that is no way to live, but it's how I am.
     

"Oh I love him! He's the sweetest thing, we have so much in common, he is so conciderate..." Have you ever felt this way about anyone? Think for a moment. Think about how he could never hurt you, how he couldn't be anything but good.

      Now think about the holes in the walls he's left, about how he grabbed you in the hall, how he tried to kick the door shut before you could walk through. How he begged for more chances even though he wouldn't  change.

      Think about the times he's made you feel guilt for how he feels, for the slits on his wrists, for wanting to go to your mother's house. For wanting to spend time with other friends and not him. Think about how trapped you feel.

      This happened to me. Twice. I've gone from one abusive situation to another. I've been broken beyond repair, I loved him. Loved him so much, and he threw me aside like he had accused me of doing to him. He promised to change, cried to me that he couldn't lose me, but he did. He lost me. My heart, my soul... Of which I have none anymore.

      All I can think about now is "why?!" Why did this happen to me? Why would he do that if he truly loved me? Why would he want to? Why? Why? Why? My mind is racing and will not stop. There is a pain in my stomach. 

                                                                       Why?